Monday, October 13, 2014

Not How I Wanted to Spend the Remainder of My Saturday Night

Ten steps to killing a hornet that has decided to sequester itself in your apartment at midnight on a Saturday night:

Step One: Say "Fuck me. Why you chose to curl up in this 150 foot space is beyond me, buddy. But there's barely enough room for me, so you gotta go."

Step Two: Realize that there are no tools efficient enough in your apartment to kill said hornet, and must resort to taking Febreze from bathroom.

Step Three: Muse about whether it is bees or hornets that are attracted to the color red, as you realize that you're wearing red tights. Assume that it is bees, and look around for other hornet-killing objects as back up. Take random paper object from the mail that you've not thrown away and roll it up.

Step Four: Gain enough courage to spray Febreze on hornet whilst screaming "No!" as if your words will somehow make hornet give up its fight to possibly sting you in the face. 

Step Five: Watch in horror as hornet rolls itself into a ball underneath the half inch of windowsill that it is has been perched on in an attempt to escape. Grab Windex, thinking that perhaps it is stronger in its ammonia power and spray that onto hornet.

Step Six: Scream "No!" some more, hoping that neighbors don't think that you're being attached by a home invader. 

Step Seven: Repeatedly hit hornet with rolled up paper object and drag it across windowsill, hoping for hornet's guts to appear. 

Step Eight: Look at the aftermath and see wooden splinters in windowsill that were already there, but no hornet guts.

Step Nine: Further investigate windowsill, and see no fruits of your hard labor. Assume that hornet's guts were smashed into sill and are not clear to naked eye. 

Step Ten: Attempt to fall asleep, hoping that apartment does not end up like that one woman's bed that ended up being a nest for an entire colony of hornets.*

*I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through the Internet and see all the terrifying things that would pop up if I Googled "hornet nest in woman's bed" so you can do that yourself if you're really that curious. 

Update: I looked at the windowsill on Sunday morning, and saw the remains of the hornet smashed in between the lip of the window and the bottom of the window frame, so victory to me, and death to all insects with stingers that decide my apartment is the best place for them. NOPE. None of that, now. 

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